Today is the day I graduated as an engineer. And today is also the day that I discovered that the love I cherished for a very long time is actually an unrequited love. This day, which should have been a very fulfilling day, became the day that I realized why I created "Ian's Haven".
A Haven is actually a place where i could rest and a place to protect against the outer elements. It is not a house nor a home. It is not a house because a house is a material object that we could physically rest our tired body and physically protect us from harm. It is not a home because a home gives our soul and mind a sense of metaphysical rest, as well as emotional nourishment through the help of our family.
If a house could not give your body a rest, and a home could not give a family-like comfort, where else could you go? Just like how wolverine said it: "Home is not where the heart is - it's where we go when there is no other place to go".
A haven is a metaphysical place where no one could comfort you but yourself. A house is just a house, and I really really never believed in the principle of having a home. That is why I believe that a haven is a suitable place for me.
My Haven - ian's haven is a place where I could comfort my self from the emotional harm, speak my feakin mind out, and be myself without the words of the outside world. It is my retreat, it is my hiding place...
Today is the day that I gave up in the concept of love. In the beginning of my self-awakening, I just realized that I don't really believe in God, but I believe in love. Eventhough I was hurt, I still held on the idea of love. But now, everything changed. I just realized that even if I give my heart and soul in loving a person, it will never make me happy. A man could never ever give unconditional love.
Only God could give unconditional love. He could give it without expecting anything in return. I tried to immitate that - having faith that I could also give something without asking something in return. I envy God so much - so envious that it became hatred. I hate God, and that turned into not believing in his words. But after all, I am still afraid of Him.
I love her, the girl who believes in God. As a matter of fact, she is the closest thing to God that I could ever know. I gave to her the faith I never gave God. I told her, that she can do a lot of things if she will believe. I love her. But I never expected her to love me in return.
But I am human. As a human being I feel fear. I fear of being alone and lonely. The fear of being forgotten. I fear of not feeling special. And as a human being, I suddenly wanted something. I want to be loved.
But I do not know love. I do not know how it happens, how it is conceived, and how to nurture it. I just want it.
And now I know that it is over, I am in chaos. Lost. Being with her is all that is in my mind. It kept me on thinking that maybe it is best this way. But it hurts, it hurts so much that it makes me think of nothing else.
I feel separated from myself. I feel like half of me is liberated by saying "I love you", and half of me is turning dark because of the melancholy love brought onto me. Somebody save me please.
That is what brought me back to the reason why I created Ian's Haven. Even though I do not believe in God, I still am looking for his grace, asking him to let me see his face, so that I could start believing again. Asking him to bless my haven, to keep it safe and warm for my heart to heal.
It's cold in here. It is so hard for a person who doesn't know love, to ask for love in return. I wonder how far my haven could shelter me. I have a lot of things to say, but they just couldn't keep on staying in my mind for me write them out.
Emptiness and hopelessness are in my heart right now. If only somebody could save me now..
I'm just waiting in my Haven. So please, come visit me. Please...
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